SOMETIMES, MEDICINE SUCKS

I woke up today, thanking God tomorrow was gonna be a free weekend. No papers, no assignments. Because I managed to finish everything last night with Luke in the background. Tomorrow, I plan to conquer every freaking transcription ever posted, and then some. And then I’d get to spend the entire Sunday with Luke.

I showered leisurely, knowing I had all the time in the world because I woke up early enough. When I was ready to go, I had enough time to walk and even get myself a nice cup of coffee. All was well.

I arrived at school with five minutes to spare and saw Luke there, waiting for me by the elevator. He waved a little at me, and I gave him a nice bright and shiny smile.

“I missed you,” he muttered as he gave me a peck on the cheek.

“Ditto,” I replied as I drank in his scent, inwardly laughing how ridiculous missing him was. We were together just last night!

We went straight to his apartment after we both got out of school and work yesterday. I needed help staying awake for all the papers I needed to finish and he did just that while he watched TV and ate pizza. We have, just last night, become that kind of couple.

He wanted me to stay the night but I wanted to go back to my apartment remembering we still had to slow things down a bit. I wanted to take a cab, but Luke said he couldn’t let me “drive off with a stranger at this late hour”. So we sped off at eleven in the evening on his Ducati as he dropped me off at my building. It was physically impossible to not let him upstairs, but I had to make him go home. And I slept well that night, hence the good start I was having today. But I missed him. And apparently the man missed me, too. Sigh.

Luke never poked at me about my dinner with Casey either. I texted him when I got home that night and all he asked was, “Had fun?” I said yes, she’s awesome with multiple exclamation points to convey my enthusiasm, and that was that about the Casey dinner at Cabeza. And everything has been going on extremely fine. Sigh again.

The elevator doors opened, and we filed in along with the other students. We were both stuck at the back but we didn’t mind. I looked up at him and saw he was looking down on me, and I felt his hand on mine, and I thought this day might just be one of the best ones.

The students thinned out slowly, ickle firsties and sophomores, floor after floor, until it was only Luke and I going up three more floors to where my class was gonna be. It was one of his “things” that whenever we went together, he’d see me off before he went to work.

“I’ll see you later,” he murmured behind my ear just a little after he kissed me. It was such a common phrase but he managed to make the hairs on my neck prickle by the way he said it.

I was smiling dreamily when I entered the classroom. Which happened to be in silent chaos. “What’s up?” I asked Anne as I occupied the seat next to her. I had to give it to her, she was already busy reading transcriptions this early in the morning.

“Literature reviews for clinical research due on Monday. No extension,” she blankly answered, not even bothering to look up from her tab.

“You’re kidding me, right?” I asked with wide eyes. I didn’t even have a decent topic yet!

“Do I look like I’m freaking kidding? I’m freaking out!” Anne said, showing me her tablet screen. She hadn’t been reading transcriptions. Article after article were opened in her browser’s tabs. And she had it by the dozen at my estimate.

“Did your group get your topic approved already?”

“No. They’re gonna do the approvals later this afternoon.”

“During the afternoon class?”

“Yes.”

“How are we even gonna be able to swing that?” I asked in revolt, but took out my laptop nonetheless. The class had been divided into groups, and each group member was to come up with a research topic and a justification for choosing that topic. The research topics will serve as a pool for the entire group to choose from with the help of our research adviser. In the end, only one topic will be pursued by the entire group. And the topics were scheduled to be submitted next Friday. UGH!

Anne merely shrugged her shoulders with a roll of her eyes. “The one day I decided not to bring my laptop with me,” she muttered darkly before going back to facing her tablet.

Not mere minutes later, the lecturer had arrived. Most everyone had been busy with their laptops even before class started. And I would bet you anything, the majority of my classmates were busy consolidating their research topics for this afternoon’s presentation, not typing away lecture notes. I was certainly part of that majority.

The lecturer droned on and on about the different types of anxiety disorders and their symptomatic presentations. Yeah, well, at least that’s what it said on his title slide. Fifteen minutes into his distracting monotony (I could not string a decent sentence together for my research topic justification!), I decided I had to set up camp somewhere else. I tapped Anne’s wrist, told her I’ll just be in the library, and artfully sneaked out of the classroom (with my laptop) unnoticed. I never paid attention in any of the Psychiatry classes, anyway.

I took the stairs to go down two floors, lest the lecturer (or his secretary) decide to find themselves where the elevator doors were. Then I rode the elevator the rest of the way. Our library occupied an entire floor and it was generally empty at this time of day since everyone supposedly had class. I occupied my favorite corner table – the one far from traffic but near a window – and started to set my computer up. Five minutes after I had started typing away, I saw Anne walk in, looking for me. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one being distracted by the walking monotony that is my Psychiatry lecturer.

“This fucking sucks,” Anne declared as she sat across me, wanting to slam her tablet on the table but catching herself last minute. If she destroyed her tablet, she’d be done for. Or, well, she’d be stuck with the library computers which had a knack of shutting down in the middle of important work (true story).

“I was really hoping for a weekend off. Luke and I had plans,” I shared her sentiment. Luke did want to go out and finish the rest of our second date that we didn’t get a chance to do since we both wanted to go home so bad last time (wink, wink). “He had been so looking forward to it.”

“And I was planning on a marathon of North and South,” Anne said, rolling her eyes in angst. She was referring to the mini-series where, wait for it, Richard Armitage plays the lead. That got me laughing in amusement.

“Didn’t you watch that already?” I asked, still unable to rein in the giggles.

“Fine, re-marathon. I miss him already and his raised voice and cool temperaments,” she sighed and then laughed too. “Anyways, that is obviously not gonna happen now. Thanks to these inconsiderate research people. Ugh!”

We ended up staying in the library and foregoing lunch altogether to finish the justifications for our research topics. I was not greatly attached with my topic but it had to do. I just had to be able to pass something for our research group’s topic pool. If it ends up being scrapped, I don’t really care.

My Clinical Research class ended early. Half of our group’s research topics were scrapped. Mine wasn’t lucky enough to be eliminated early. It ended up being one of the three topics on temporary approval for group research. And that meant I had to produce a literature review for it over the weekend. (Fuck!).

The State of the Family

“Oh, I already love how honest you are,” Casey said after laughing for a bit. “You seemed so very shy the last time, I wasn’t so sure how to reach out, really.”

“Well, meeting the older brother does things to the nerves,” I quipped.

“Especially when that older brother is Seth,” she winked. “So tell me, did Luke explain things to you afterwards?”

“Yeah, he did. Sort of.”

“If you ask me, he should’ve told you before, not after. For the record, I had told him that,” Casey said without reservations, sounding much like a disapproving older sister. “I even thought you already knew that time. Figured I was wrong in the middle of eating the ravioli, but I couldn’t just pull you aside so soon.”

“It’s all good. I mean, you didn’t even have to, and I totally appreciate how you did,” I answered shyly.

“Just so you know, I totally agree that Seth was an ass that night. I even told him that,” Casey said with conviction.

I laughed. I thought I would be surprised to hear it, but I wasn’t. In a short span of time, I already knew Casey was as straightforward as anyone could get.

“I already asked him to behave better the next time. Told him you seemed way better than that bitch Luke almost married.” The animosity in her tone was only too palpable when she referred to Luke’s infamous ex.

“Oh, so you knew her, too?” I tried to sound disinterested, but obviously I was curious. And here was an opening.

“Of course. Like I said, Seth and I have known each other since medical school. When Luke introduced that girl to the family, I already had that icky feeling that something fishy was going on with her. But I never said a word because, really, who am I to do so, right?” She paused to nibble on a tortilla before she continued on. “Anyway, I wasn’t wrong in the end. Well, three years later, anyway,” she shrugged her shoulders.

I gave her a look that said “please elaborate” and she willingly obliged.

“When Luke told Seth he wanted to marry her and asked him to help him buy a ring, Seth knew he had to be the protective older brother. He only ever wanted to know if the girl was ready to get settled in the financial department – she was not – but he stumbled on something else along the way. Seth only became so hell-bent on figuring things out with her when he posed a theoretical question regarding pre-nups, and she shut Luke down for days on end in response. And that was before Luke was even able to propose. Thank God he never had the chance to.”

“W-What was the dealbreaker?” I mumbled, not knowing if I even wanted to hear the answer.

“It’s a jumble of things, really. Credit scores, for one. God-awful credit scores. Cheating on Luke. And a kid on the side with the cheatee whom she passed off as her bestfriend.” My eyes widened fractionally at that one. “That girl was the worst decision Luke ever made and he knows it. But the period between when he didn’t know yet and when he did wasn’t exactly a walk in the park. Not for him. Not for everyone in the family…” Casey paused, her voice lingering quietly as she let the statement sink in.

“What do you mean by that, exactly?” I meekly asked, urging her to divulge more.

“What has he told you about it?” she asked, clearly treading the waters before letting on a figurative bomb.

“That he threw away everything after what she did and that everything went really bad with him after,” I recounted.

“That was a very good synopsis,” Casey said approvingly, her lips curling into a very tight smile. “But very broad, don’t you think?”

I had to nod lest there be no more stories to hear.

“He became a nomad. He left everything here and disappeared. He called before he got on a plane to Europe, though, asking us not to bother him for a while because he wanted to be alone,” she shrugged her shoulders at that, “And after that, all we could trace him for were his credit cards being swiped at this country and that. That was basically how we knew he was more probably still alive.”

I had to wait a few more seconds before Casey could continue. She seemed suddenly lost in thought, and I figured maybe she was reimagining how things had been before.

“Their mother, Amelia, was distraught more than everyone else but we all knew better than to come after Luke. Henry wanted to swoop in and drag him back home, but he got vetoed by the two doctors in the family. Three, since he gave me a vote, too, when he realized he was being overruled by his wife and son,” she smiled faintly.

I smiled, too, at the tiniest amusing thing in the story.

“We gave the grieving period three months. We knew Luke had to go through it. And we hoped he’d come back recovered soon enough.” She paused a bit to sip from her glass. “But we were wrong. He was gone for more than a year, and we had no idea what he did to himself at the time. Three months passed and we all wanted to intervene. God knows just how worried Henry and Amelia were, but we all knew it was a lost cause and that even if we tried, we knew it would just make Luke want to hide himself better. And we didn’t want to lose what little information we could get about him, so we waited it out.”

“When did he decide to come back?” I asked curiously, afraid of what the answer might be. My mind was already picturing several scenarios of Luke in his lowest, and I couldn’t help it. My head was spinning, and my overactive imagination wasn’t helping.

“He just called Seth one day asking him to fly out and get him out of Amsterdam as soon as he could. We knew where he was exactly and Seth couldn’t have been on a plane sooner. I wanted to come with him but Seth said he knew it had to be just him or he’d never get his little brother back.” She paused, trying to gauge my reaction. I was waiting for her to tell me what happened next. “Seth was gone for two weeks. And then they were back home. Luke looked terrible after being on a mission to self-destruct for eighteen months from what I’ve heard, and Seth looked miserable having to explain to the family about Luke’s situation. Seth never hated the bitch more than he did the day he saw Luke in Amsterdam. I never hated the bitch more than the day I saw the brothers back home.”

I didn’t appreciate the fast-forward to Luke coming home, but I understood how the information might be too private. That maybe it was up to Luke to tell me what exactly happened on his own time. I fell quiet, realizing I was dating a broken young man who broke himself consciously.

“You must be reevaluating your choice of dating Luke, thinking it’s a bad idea,” Casey said matter-of-factly after a moment of quiet observation. “I would, too, if I were in your shoes. But I have to tell you one thing. You never knew that bitch and how good she was in playing Luke. Damn, she was good. She played all of us. And for that, she broke him. But he’s whole now, we all made sure of it. Only Seth fails to recognize that.” She sipped her drink once again. “Even their parents have moved on.”

And just like that, the loaded conversation ended. A long silence came from my end. Clinks of the iced beverage came from Casey’s. It had to look awkward, because it felt like it. It felt as though a compendium of secrets had been opened before me and I was so overwhelmed that I didn’t know exactly what I should do from there.

“So that’s basically what you stumbled on when you met Luke,” Casey said after a while, a wide smile on her face as though she didn’t just tell me the most serious thing ever. “And I really want you to stick around. I really like you.”

And at that moment, from those words, I actually knew that despite everything she had just told me, I still wasn’t going anywhere. There’s an out. Somewhere between those lines, there was an out. Just like what Luke did before. They were giving me an out. But I just wouldn’t take it.

The dinner went on normally after that. We chatted about medical school. About just how much of a culture shock second year was. And about how little the second year coverage was in comparison to third year. She shared with me some funny medical clerkship anecdotes of her own along with some survival tips… until we both decided it was late and we had to go home.

She gave me a ride in her white Mini Cooper she was driving herself (how cute is she??) and dropped me off at my building with an “I’ll see you around, yes?” and a nice big smile from me. I can’t even believe she was years older than I was. She seemed so lighthearted about things. She wasn’t like other doctors who lived and breathed the definition of hierarchy. She was definitely way up the societal ladder being a medical consultant and all, but I never even once felt like there was a barrier between us. And I liked it.

Now if only Seth could do the same, everything would be lovely.

My Apologies

Hello. Anyone there still?

So I left this blog hanging more than a year ago now and essentially just put it at the back of my mind. I am terribly sorry. I started medical clerkship and things got really hectic for me. Not to mention I went through a really bad breakup with my boyfriend of six years while I was in the middle of the most toxic rotation in the hospital. I couldn't really make myself write this lovey-dovey, bright and shiny fictional couple while my real lovelife sucked so bad and I was so bitter with everything.

I swear every month I tried. I sat in front of my computer and figured out what happens with these two. I had it in my mind but the words wouldn't pour out like it used to. Or it would but it would all read as detached and soulless and bitter to me rather than being light and contenting like it did before. And I didn't want that. I never logged in to my dashboard also. Because I never had a finished piece to post. So then I brooded over my loss, produced a different story that was dark and twisted in my mind and began writing that instead. (The detached and soulless and bitter writing worked with that storyline and the words poured.)

So it may sound like I'm playing the pity card here so that my year-long AWOL mishap may be forgotten. But I just figured I needed to explain myself. And if you'd have me again, I am back in the Sam and Luke business.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. And I really hope you guys would still read on. I would really appreciate it.