I Sorta Panicked

A/N: Here you go, guys. Thanks for hanging in there and I hope you enjoy! I'd love to hear what you think by the end of it!

I was panicking. I could feel my heart rate going up. I could already sense my breathing. I could almost even feel my pupils dilating (LOL, what?). In short, I wanted to take flight was my initial reaction. Why would he even say anything like that? It’s all too soon! Does he expect me to say it back? How can he expect anything like that? I can’t say it back! This is all too fast! my mind raced. It felt as if everything was on a standstill waiting for me to respond to what Luke had just said. And I had no idea just what exactly I had to say.

Luke had calmly and slowly let go of my hand after a couple seconds of me just staring at him in dumbfound shock, probably recognizing there wasn’t gonna be an answer any time soon. My mouth was dry and I had no idea how to respond to that. Surely, he understood where I was coming from, right? Or maybe I just heard him wrong. Please, let it be just me hearing him wrong, I prayed dramatically in my head, complete with cracking voice even.

“Whoa. Wait. What?” I managed to utter after a few seconds of complete wordless shock, and after I had successfully laid down my coffee cup onto the table (and not shattered it into pieces like the dramatic girl in me pictured in my mental version of how things happened here). That wasn’t the best-worded response, in retrospect. Nor was it the best-toned one. But I had enough sense to filter some word vomit right then (thankfully) and, well, that was all my filter could let through. I was still praying I had heard Luke wrong, but each second that passed only proved the opposite. Man, why did he have to say things like that?

Luke had been looking at anywhere but me after he had said the precipitous L-word. He looked like he never meant for any of it to spill out, but then it did, and it was a very bad slip, and he couldn’t take it back anymore even if he clearly wanted to. His eyes had actually widened minutely upon hearing the panicked words out of my lips. That reaction somehow calmed me a bit. It was just a slip, hopefully. He never meant to say anything. Wait, was that even calming enough? my thoughts raced and I was back into full panic mode again. Thanks, brain.

“I should’ve stopped at I wouldn’t wanna change anything,” he answered meekly. He rubbed his temples with his right hand, like one would do with a migraine, as he continued to evade my eyes. “Fuck,” he breathed more to himself than anything.

“Are you okay?” I asked with concern. He definitely looked like he was beating himself up from the inside, and I felt for him. I could have probably worded out a better response than what I had just said. Maybe he wouldn’t be, I don’t know, panicking himself at that moment if I chose my words better.

“No. I’m not thinking straight is what I am right now,” he answered desperately as he slumped resignedly onto his couch while still not looking at me. He looked so much like a kid in distress and I just wanted to smile at how adorable that was if not only for the situation we were currently in. “I was too wrapped up in what I was trying to say about Seth and everything… Just – I guess I can’t ask you to just forget this ever happened?” he asked the floor, sounding hopeful.

I actually considered the thought for a second, and it sounded totally tempting. Everything’s gonna be fine if I pretended none of this ever occurred. But then again, no. How can I forget how he told me that he freaking loved me? “I don’t think we can forget this ever happened, though,” I told him after a breathy, shaky sound that I tried to pass off as a laugh.

“Yeah. Me, too,” he agreed. Finally, he was looking straight at me again. He steeled himself before saying, “Nothing left to do but own up to it, I guess.” His eyes were dead straight intense at that moment, and I could feel him pulling me in. His look turned serious and he held me in his gaze. “You can walk away, Samantha, if you think this is too much for you,” he uttered softly.

“What? Why would I?” I asked quietly. I was confused at the suggestion. Didn’t he just say he loved me? Why was he telling me to walk away then? I couldn’t understand where he stood. Or maybe it was just his eyes that were mesmerizing and mind-blocking, and I couldn’t look away. For some reason or another, the way he looked at me was actually calming my thoughts. My mind had begun to slow down.

“Doesn’t this scare you?” he asked as he slowly moved to angle his face closer to where I was, resting an arm on the table between us to support his leaning weight. “I know it’s all too fast.”

“Yeah, it does. And it is. Too fast,” I muttered, almost to myself.

“And?” It was as if he was expecting for me to run for cover and he seemed ready for anything.

“And I can’t walk away,” I told him quietly. I realized it was true the moment I said it out loud. He gave me an out and I couldn’t take it. I can’t. I can’t just walk away. That was clear enough. Yes, things were moving way too fast for my taste, and I can’t say things back to him right now, but he wasn’t really pushing me to say anything. He even recognized how fast everything was.

Was this unconventional? Yes, totally. A deal breaker? I didn’t really think so. I didn’t think it was an impossible notion for the future, either. Things have been running smoothly if you took his older brother out of the picture. We just needed to slow down, in my opinion. A lot.

He smiled his small smile at my response, and sighed what sounded like one of relief. “That’s good to hear.” The relief in his voice was just too obvious and I couldn’t help but be relieved myself. Gosh, I thought I’d be running away in the opposite direction right about now. I had actually considered it. But then again, I couldn’t.

“May I ask one thing, though?” I said tentatively. He nodded. “Did you mean what you just said?”

He looked down at the wooden floors for a couple seconds first as though he was weighing whether to tell me or not. He gazed back at me after and said, “I meant every word, but I never wanted to say anything too soon because, well, I knew it’s too soon. It just… it slipped.” He was shaking his head lightly at that, clearly thinking what he just did was stupid.

I honestly just wanted to hug him at that moment to make him feel a little bit better. But an awkward “thank you” was all that escaped from my lips, not entirely sure of what the correct response might be after an “I love you” was said to you and you weren’t reciprocating nor rejecting it.

I wanted to ask when he knew. A little part of me was curious. But I figured I wasn’t really ready to know right now. What good would knowing be if I didn’t have anything to tell him in return, right? And I thought knowing just how early he knew would probably scare me to death and make me chicken out of what this was. I was happier not knowing and I wanna be happy longer.

After an awkward couple of minutes, the conversation started to flow little by little between us up to a point when I had almost forgotten about the mishap. We sipped our coffee and told each other about our lousy weekend not talking to each other and about what we did the entire day today and we were almost back to normal.

I am sure I am about to sound so clingy but I did miss Luke over the weekend. I missed this. Just talking to him made me feel a whole lot lighter than when I didn’t. He had this way of making me take my guard down and just be comfortable around him. I had some big enough trust issues that this feeling with Luke is just so welcome and so unthinkable to let go.

A couple hours had passed before I remembered I had some studying I actually had to do. I told Luke I had to go home. Since the caffeine had already kicked in, I figured I could study in my apartment that night instead of staying out late. Luke was nothing but understanding when I told him I had to study and even volunteered to walk me home.

I was battling with myself whether I should invite him over as we both walked the short distance to my building. I knew I really had to study because I had only three free weekends left before I had another set of exams. But my mind was saying it’s still only Monday anyway. Long story short, I was still undecided when we reached my building.

“Here we are,” Luke said when we stopped and I hadn’t yet figured out what I wanted to do. He leaned in for a kiss and I met him halfway. It was soft and hesitant at first until it deepened. I was out of breath when he pulled away and smiled, “Have a good night studying.”

I rolled my eyes at him knowing he was clearly teasing me, before I opened the door and looked back at him one more time, still considering letting him upstairs. I shook my head to dissolve the thought and I saw his smile widen.

“I’ll walk away now. Goodnight,” he laughingly said before he turned and started on his way.

“Goodnight,” I called and he stopped and turned back, grabbed my hand and gave me another kiss. It was outright intense and my knees weakened when he grabbed hold of my waist and neck with each hand.

“Go up now or I’m coming with you,” he muttered after a while. I seriously considered the thought, but he gently pushed me inside my building and closed the door himself.

As I walked up the stairs, I couldn’t help but think it was a good thing I didn’t take it when he gave me an out. Everything was simply better with Luke. And I am really just happy that we were talking again. I was even hoping things go better with his brother next time. If there was going to be a next time. Honestly, I’d rather the next time was way, way far into the future.

Author's Apologies

I'm very sorry about not posting this week. I thought I could write in between exams since I had four days vacant in between two sets of exams (a block and the finals). But I overestimated myself and it turns out my body needs sleep, too. I'm actually in the middle of a panicky cramming session for finals next week and just remembered I left a blog hanging here. I'm actually too out of it right now and I think I'm rambling.

I am sincerely sorry about my erratic posts. I did try to stick to it though. But then, I am now trashing my schedule as I can't stick to it religiously anyways. Will figure it out later on. Sorry for letting you down, guys. I just have a lot on my plate right now. Will post soon enough. Hope you'd still read it when it goes up. :(

On another note, I would like to share other similar blogs that I have been reading, as well, to sort of make up for not posting here.

• lovesexpizza.blogspot.com
• newyorkdixie.blogspot.com
• moderndayfaith.blogspot.com
• crazyadventuresinny.blogspot.com
• highheelshappyhour.blogspot.com

The Fast and The Serious

“I was about to call you to talk over coffee,” I told Luke meekly after his passionate conversation starter. He looked surprised about that. Which I thought was weird. I was deferring on talking to him, yes, but I never thought of just not talking to him altogether. That’d be simply immature.

“Oh. Okay. That’s – That’s good, I hope,” he acceded, visibly relieved. He exhaled deeply and looked the tiniest bit more relaxed.

We walked out of the building quietly and got to my usual coffee shop. We ordered our drinks and sat on a secluded corner. We each sipped tentatively, calculating what to say to each other, I think. He seemed nervous. I knew I looked anxious, too. And the coffee now seemed like a bad idea. Did I really need additional sympathetic nerve stimulation? Nope, not really.

He cleared his throat. “Let me just get this out of my system. You’re not thinking of breaking up with me right now, are you?”

I stared at him quietly for a while, my mind whirring unstoppably. No, I did not even consider breaking up with him at all. That was just crazy. “No, Luke, it hadn’t crossed my mind. Why would you even think that?”

He looked down and rubbed his forehead. “Look, I know Seth screwed things up. I screwed things up by having you meet him so early on. And it was him that has a problem, I realize that now. I just – I wanted you to know how serious I am about you and that’s why I wanted you to meet him. Obviously, the plan backfired on me.” He finished passionately, leaning back on his seat like he was relieved to say what he had to say.

“I don’t wanna get between the two of you, though. I know how much you adore your brother.”

“And he should feel the same way about you and me.” He looked very pissed about Seth.

I had nothing to say in response to that. Luke seemed legitimately mad at his brother. I meant what I just said about not wanting to get between the two of them. But this reaction from Luke would have been welcome last Saturday. And I told him exactly that.

He apologized about how he reacted that night. He said he had already talked to Seth about me before the actual dinner and he was expecting a better welcome than what I received. Obviously, his brother did not follow through, and he just did not know how to react. He had not appreciated the fact that Seth was being rude to me, but he also could not just call him out in front of me because that would only make Seth more unreasonable than he was actually being. (Yup, I thought Seth was an egotistical maniac who was being ridiculously petty at that exact moment, too.) The explanation itself was complicated and Luke had rambled on for several minutes before I got the gist. And miraculously enough, I understood his side of the story. Seth, though, was a different side of the coin.

“Why was Seth even like that to me? And for Christ’s sake, why did he have to be debriefed on how to act in front of your girlfriend? Shouldn’t that be, I don’t know, general knowledge?” I didn’t mean to sound aggressive, but it came out that way. Really, I have yet to learn how to contain my emotions. Thank God, I have the bedside voice nailed perfectly or my future patients will not want to even go near my future clinic.

“I’m sorry. He’s always been like that.” He breathed deeply before he continued, “I’m the kid who screwed up in my family. They still treat me like I need protection from them, especially my brother.” He paused, looking at me thoughtfully as though he was considering if he wanted to tell me more. “Seth thinks anyone that comes in my way is only there because of my advantageous background ever since I almost married a girl who was exactly that a few years back and they lost me.” He stopped and I let the information sink in. He almost got married was what sank in.

“You had a fiancée?” I asked in surprise.

“I had bought a ring to propose, yes,” he replied solemnly. “But that was years ago. Is that seriously all you took from that?” he asked, a ghost of amusement shadowing his features with a small tentative smile.

“I’m sorry. It was what sank in…” I replied wistfully, blankly staring through the glass windows and towards the street. I was trying to imagine him married to some girl. I could not. He was simply way too young. “When did you almost get married?”

“Four years ago. We were twenty-one and in love. Or so I thought. It’s a long story and I don’t really know how to work that into a normal conversation, but suffice it to say that my brother and I fortunately found out early enough how she was merely after the money and connections of the family.”

Turns out Carmen and Olive were both right about Seth’s reasons, then, I thought.

Luke paused to take a sip from his coffee before continuing on. “I was devastated when I found out. I built my life around her at one point in my life. And I threw away everything for about a year and a half after what she did. And then I realized I needed help when everything went really bad with me. I was a lost cause and Seth helped me recover. And now I have all this fragile connotations all around me from my family.”

“They love you,” I told him in a small voice. Seth made sense now. I am an older sister, too. And I understood exactly where Seth was coming from now. I’d probably be doing the same thing. Although less harshly, ideally.

“I know that. But they are overbearing. I have literally regressed to an adolescent in their eyes, and I can’t really blame them. I screwed my life up consciously.” He couldn’t look at me anymore at that point. “I was fine with it at first, thinking I deserved it, but I admit I was relieved when my parents decided to go on a cruise, thinking I could be just normal again. I had never realized Seth would take on all the overbearing for the whole family. And I only recognized that the night you met him.”

I was speechless. All of this history coming from Luke was too much to take in, and I was starting to chicken out from all the drama he has revealed. So this was what I was waiting for for him to divulge. It was seriously so naïve of me to think there was no baggage to this man. Or at least not a baggage that was this big. I had been thinking it was something lighter, something petty like sibling rivalry or whatever. And I was so hugely off the mark.

“You’re the first girl I’ve introduced to Seth ever since that failed one, you know. I know I’ve moved on from that, but clearly my family hasn’t. And it also doesn’t help matters for them that we’re technically moving fast,” Luke continued. He reached across the table for my right hand and squeezed it gently. “But I don’t care about our pace. I know this is right. I want it to be. You’re the right fit for me and I wouldn’t wanna change that. I love you, Samantha.”

I was drinking from my cup when he said it. I almost spit my coffee out of pure shock, but thank God I didn’t or that would have been completely embarrassing. Not to mention offensive.

But come on, the direction of what he was just saying? Who would think it was headed to that? And wouldn’t you think that this was all going too fast? Because I certainly did.