I Sorta Panicked

A/N: Here you go, guys. Thanks for hanging in there and I hope you enjoy! I'd love to hear what you think by the end of it!

I was panicking. I could feel my heart rate going up. I could already sense my breathing. I could almost even feel my pupils dilating (LOL, what?). In short, I wanted to take flight was my initial reaction. Why would he even say anything like that? It’s all too soon! Does he expect me to say it back? How can he expect anything like that? I can’t say it back! This is all too fast! my mind raced. It felt as if everything was on a standstill waiting for me to respond to what Luke had just said. And I had no idea just what exactly I had to say.

Luke had calmly and slowly let go of my hand after a couple seconds of me just staring at him in dumbfound shock, probably recognizing there wasn’t gonna be an answer any time soon. My mouth was dry and I had no idea how to respond to that. Surely, he understood where I was coming from, right? Or maybe I just heard him wrong. Please, let it be just me hearing him wrong, I prayed dramatically in my head, complete with cracking voice even.

“Whoa. Wait. What?” I managed to utter after a few seconds of complete wordless shock, and after I had successfully laid down my coffee cup onto the table (and not shattered it into pieces like the dramatic girl in me pictured in my mental version of how things happened here). That wasn’t the best-worded response, in retrospect. Nor was it the best-toned one. But I had enough sense to filter some word vomit right then (thankfully) and, well, that was all my filter could let through. I was still praying I had heard Luke wrong, but each second that passed only proved the opposite. Man, why did he have to say things like that?

Luke had been looking at anywhere but me after he had said the precipitous L-word. He looked like he never meant for any of it to spill out, but then it did, and it was a very bad slip, and he couldn’t take it back anymore even if he clearly wanted to. His eyes had actually widened minutely upon hearing the panicked words out of my lips. That reaction somehow calmed me a bit. It was just a slip, hopefully. He never meant to say anything. Wait, was that even calming enough? my thoughts raced and I was back into full panic mode again. Thanks, brain.

“I should’ve stopped at I wouldn’t wanna change anything,” he answered meekly. He rubbed his temples with his right hand, like one would do with a migraine, as he continued to evade my eyes. “Fuck,” he breathed more to himself than anything.

“Are you okay?” I asked with concern. He definitely looked like he was beating himself up from the inside, and I felt for him. I could have probably worded out a better response than what I had just said. Maybe he wouldn’t be, I don’t know, panicking himself at that moment if I chose my words better.

“No. I’m not thinking straight is what I am right now,” he answered desperately as he slumped resignedly onto his couch while still not looking at me. He looked so much like a kid in distress and I just wanted to smile at how adorable that was if not only for the situation we were currently in. “I was too wrapped up in what I was trying to say about Seth and everything… Just – I guess I can’t ask you to just forget this ever happened?” he asked the floor, sounding hopeful.

I actually considered the thought for a second, and it sounded totally tempting. Everything’s gonna be fine if I pretended none of this ever occurred. But then again, no. How can I forget how he told me that he freaking loved me? “I don’t think we can forget this ever happened, though,” I told him after a breathy, shaky sound that I tried to pass off as a laugh.

“Yeah. Me, too,” he agreed. Finally, he was looking straight at me again. He steeled himself before saying, “Nothing left to do but own up to it, I guess.” His eyes were dead straight intense at that moment, and I could feel him pulling me in. His look turned serious and he held me in his gaze. “You can walk away, Samantha, if you think this is too much for you,” he uttered softly.

“What? Why would I?” I asked quietly. I was confused at the suggestion. Didn’t he just say he loved me? Why was he telling me to walk away then? I couldn’t understand where he stood. Or maybe it was just his eyes that were mesmerizing and mind-blocking, and I couldn’t look away. For some reason or another, the way he looked at me was actually calming my thoughts. My mind had begun to slow down.

“Doesn’t this scare you?” he asked as he slowly moved to angle his face closer to where I was, resting an arm on the table between us to support his leaning weight. “I know it’s all too fast.”

“Yeah, it does. And it is. Too fast,” I muttered, almost to myself.

“And?” It was as if he was expecting for me to run for cover and he seemed ready for anything.

“And I can’t walk away,” I told him quietly. I realized it was true the moment I said it out loud. He gave me an out and I couldn’t take it. I can’t. I can’t just walk away. That was clear enough. Yes, things were moving way too fast for my taste, and I can’t say things back to him right now, but he wasn’t really pushing me to say anything. He even recognized how fast everything was.

Was this unconventional? Yes, totally. A deal breaker? I didn’t really think so. I didn’t think it was an impossible notion for the future, either. Things have been running smoothly if you took his older brother out of the picture. We just needed to slow down, in my opinion. A lot.

He smiled his small smile at my response, and sighed what sounded like one of relief. “That’s good to hear.” The relief in his voice was just too obvious and I couldn’t help but be relieved myself. Gosh, I thought I’d be running away in the opposite direction right about now. I had actually considered it. But then again, I couldn’t.

“May I ask one thing, though?” I said tentatively. He nodded. “Did you mean what you just said?”

He looked down at the wooden floors for a couple seconds first as though he was weighing whether to tell me or not. He gazed back at me after and said, “I meant every word, but I never wanted to say anything too soon because, well, I knew it’s too soon. It just… it slipped.” He was shaking his head lightly at that, clearly thinking what he just did was stupid.

I honestly just wanted to hug him at that moment to make him feel a little bit better. But an awkward “thank you” was all that escaped from my lips, not entirely sure of what the correct response might be after an “I love you” was said to you and you weren’t reciprocating nor rejecting it.

I wanted to ask when he knew. A little part of me was curious. But I figured I wasn’t really ready to know right now. What good would knowing be if I didn’t have anything to tell him in return, right? And I thought knowing just how early he knew would probably scare me to death and make me chicken out of what this was. I was happier not knowing and I wanna be happy longer.

After an awkward couple of minutes, the conversation started to flow little by little between us up to a point when I had almost forgotten about the mishap. We sipped our coffee and told each other about our lousy weekend not talking to each other and about what we did the entire day today and we were almost back to normal.

I am sure I am about to sound so clingy but I did miss Luke over the weekend. I missed this. Just talking to him made me feel a whole lot lighter than when I didn’t. He had this way of making me take my guard down and just be comfortable around him. I had some big enough trust issues that this feeling with Luke is just so welcome and so unthinkable to let go.

A couple hours had passed before I remembered I had some studying I actually had to do. I told Luke I had to go home. Since the caffeine had already kicked in, I figured I could study in my apartment that night instead of staying out late. Luke was nothing but understanding when I told him I had to study and even volunteered to walk me home.

I was battling with myself whether I should invite him over as we both walked the short distance to my building. I knew I really had to study because I had only three free weekends left before I had another set of exams. But my mind was saying it’s still only Monday anyway. Long story short, I was still undecided when we reached my building.

“Here we are,” Luke said when we stopped and I hadn’t yet figured out what I wanted to do. He leaned in for a kiss and I met him halfway. It was soft and hesitant at first until it deepened. I was out of breath when he pulled away and smiled, “Have a good night studying.”

I rolled my eyes at him knowing he was clearly teasing me, before I opened the door and looked back at him one more time, still considering letting him upstairs. I shook my head to dissolve the thought and I saw his smile widen.

“I’ll walk away now. Goodnight,” he laughingly said before he turned and started on his way.

“Goodnight,” I called and he stopped and turned back, grabbed my hand and gave me another kiss. It was outright intense and my knees weakened when he grabbed hold of my waist and neck with each hand.

“Go up now or I’m coming with you,” he muttered after a while. I seriously considered the thought, but he gently pushed me inside my building and closed the door himself.

As I walked up the stairs, I couldn’t help but think it was a good thing I didn’t take it when he gave me an out. Everything was simply better with Luke. And I am really just happy that we were talking again. I was even hoping things go better with his brother next time. If there was going to be a next time. Honestly, I’d rather the next time was way, way far into the future.